I really don’t know where to begin. I have been in such a drugged-up haze for the past month I haven’t even been processing what’s been going on in my life. I’ve just been running around, going through the motions, feigning my own existence. Trying to convince those around me that I am like them. That I am alive. That I am real. That I matter. That I am thinking and feeling and hoping and breathing, just like everybody else. I don’t think I’m fooling anybody. I’m certainly not fooling myself.
It’s my fault really. I knew this was coming. Whenever I’ve been in a slump for too long, the whirlwind comes by and scoops me up and carries me away. It’s exhilarating, being this high above the ground, with the wind in my face and my feet dangling in the air. Nothing can touch me. Nothing can hurt me. I’m invincible. Time doesn’t exist - there is no sun or moon or rotation of the earth. There are no days or nights or dawns or dusks. Just one slow gulp of booze and pills, weaving through the calendar, dragging me behind. Everything else is dim and blurred. Secondary. Trivial. An afterthought not long remembered. Ultimately irrelevant.
I’m not sure where I am going. Or what is going on. Or what lies ahead, waiting for me. I don’t know when the whirlwind is going to chew me up and spit me out, back onto the ground, back into the world, back into my head. I can only see a few feet in front of me. The next slice, the next shower, the next binge, the next nap. The next bowl or bottle or pack or point. The next deposit, the next withdrawal, the next bill after bill that needs to be paid. The next breath. The next hit. The next high. The next low.
And even though it’s a little scary – all this rushing and twirling and twisting and turning, faster and faster with nowhere to go – it’s a little safe and sound. Up here, I am alone. Isolated. Protected. Hidden by the fog. A secret. I can spin crazy circles, spin out of control. And it doesn't even matter. It doesn't make a difference. The ripples just fade, dissolving into the atmosphere - hitting no one, effecting no one. No one can see me. No one can hear me. No one can reach me or grab me or pull me back down.
It’s almost like I’m not even here.