I swear to god, there is something seriously physically wrong with me. I know there is. I’m sure of it. I just don’t know what. I mean I know that most of the time I’m a huge hypochondriac baby, but for once I don’t think this is all in my head. My body is totally deteriorating – and a lot faster than it rightfully should, in my opinion.
Like this weekend. On Saturday night a few people came over, we all got fucked up and at some point close to dawn, I passed out on the couch. The next morning I was in so much pain I could barely move. Walking hurt, bending hurt, reaching and sitting hurt. I mean, I had to stay in bed for two fucking days because my whole body ached so bad. And it seems to me that a young, resilient, generally healthy twenty-two year old girl like me should not have to become bedridden for days at a time just because she slept on a couch once for a few fucking measly hours. That’s not normal and it pisses me off!
Not to mention the fact that I’m getting my period literally every two weeks even though I am still using the nuva ring for birth control. It doesn’t make any sense. The bleeding should start when I take the ring out and stop when I put it back in. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. So why isn’t it fucking working?!? I mean, one of the main reasons I even started birth control to begin with was so I could have fewer, shorter, more predictable, more controllable periods. Now they’re worse than ever and that fucking pisses me off too!
I’m getting headaches all the time. And sporadic throbbing pains throughout my body. And intermittent waves of nausea. Even occasional bouts of projectile vomiting (like last week in front of a bunch of customers and my boss – that was fun) which is weird, because I’m usually not much of a puker. I’ve been noticing my heart arrhythmia acting up a lot more than normal lately and my hot flashes are back with a vengeance. My foot itches so bad all the time I usually end up scratching it till it bleeds and even then it still itches. My back is always tender, my throat is always sore, my crazy blushing is getting progressively worse, and my pee is always dark and smells disgusting even after drinking lots of water. That pisses me off.
I know it’s not just stress. It’s something. And I don’t even care about getting better or getting healthy or getting treated. I just want to know what it is. I want to know what’s going on. I want to get some kind of test done, as many tests as necessary, just to finally know for sure. I want a nurse or doctor or someone, anyone, to believe me that things aren’t okay in my body, that I’m breaking down, that I’m withering away. I want someone to listen to me. I want someone to care. But nobody does. And that actually doesn't piss me off. Because I don't blame them.
Like this weekend. On Saturday night a few people came over, we all got fucked up and at some point close to dawn, I passed out on the couch. The next morning I was in so much pain I could barely move. Walking hurt, bending hurt, reaching and sitting hurt. I mean, I had to stay in bed for two fucking days because my whole body ached so bad. And it seems to me that a young, resilient, generally healthy twenty-two year old girl like me should not have to become bedridden for days at a time just because she slept on a couch once for a few fucking measly hours. That’s not normal and it pisses me off!
Not to mention the fact that I’m getting my period literally every two weeks even though I am still using the nuva ring for birth control. It doesn’t make any sense. The bleeding should start when I take the ring out and stop when I put it back in. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. So why isn’t it fucking working?!? I mean, one of the main reasons I even started birth control to begin with was so I could have fewer, shorter, more predictable, more controllable periods. Now they’re worse than ever and that fucking pisses me off too!
I’m getting headaches all the time. And sporadic throbbing pains throughout my body. And intermittent waves of nausea. Even occasional bouts of projectile vomiting (like last week in front of a bunch of customers and my boss – that was fun) which is weird, because I’m usually not much of a puker. I’ve been noticing my heart arrhythmia acting up a lot more than normal lately and my hot flashes are back with a vengeance. My foot itches so bad all the time I usually end up scratching it till it bleeds and even then it still itches. My back is always tender, my throat is always sore, my crazy blushing is getting progressively worse, and my pee is always dark and smells disgusting even after drinking lots of water. That pisses me off.
In between bouts of queasiness I’ve been binging like there’s no tomorrow. I have never binged like this in my life – it’s never lasted this long or been this extreme. I’ve been having the most intense cravings I’ve ever had in my whole life. And I don’t know how to prevent them or stop them or get rid of them without satisfying them. So I do. Even though I don’t want to. And that really, really fucking pisses me off.
I know I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, which could be part of why I feel like shit. Everything either sends me into a violent rage or makes me jump up and down with joy or makes me curl up under the covers and sob uncontrollably for hours. I’ve been spending money like crazy and not keeping track of it. I’ve been a little short with people and kind of awol from the world, so most of my relationships are strained. I’m getting increasingly awkward and paranoid and anxious. Things are up in the air with my job as usual and I live in constant fear that I am going to get fired any second and for the life of me, I can’t tell if it’s a legitimate fear or if it’s just me being irrational. I’ve been so wrapped up in drinking and hanging out with people I barely know that I haven’t had time to get anything worthwhile - anything of even moderate importance - done for weeks like my laundry or my studying or my jigsaw puzzle. I haven’t paid bills or made appointments or returned calls or run errands. And now it’s all starting to pile up and I’ve ruined everything and it’s all my fault because I’m a worthless stupid fat piece of shit. And that pisses me off the most.I know it’s not just stress. It’s something. And I don’t even care about getting better or getting healthy or getting treated. I just want to know what it is. I want to know what’s going on. I want to get some kind of test done, as many tests as necessary, just to finally know for sure. I want a nurse or doctor or someone, anyone, to believe me that things aren’t okay in my body, that I’m breaking down, that I’m withering away. I want someone to listen to me. I want someone to care. But nobody does. And that actually doesn't piss me off. Because I don't blame them.
Not one tiny bit.