Well a lot has been happening lately. First of all, it’s been another crazy week at work, which somehow seems to make the days feel so much longer and fatter and heavier. Yuck. I thought that after last week things would kind of calm down around here, but it turns out that the big event I spent all last week helping to prepare for wasn’t on Monday morning like I thought it was going to be. It was on Wednesday night.
Which gave everyone a few extra days to obsess about all the miniscule details. And instead of being over and done with, the strain from last week was simply carried over into this one. Everyone was still rushing to get ready, still crabby and tense and exhausted, still pawning off a bunch of menial tasks onto me, simply because they know I can’t say no. I hate that.
So my week has been covered in stress and sprinkled with persistent worry, crippling anxiety, and overwhelming fear. All of it over my inability to deal with life and make good choices, my lack of educational and professional success, my unstable personality and rocky relationships, my angry explosive outbursts, my compulsive eating and sleeping habits, my failing attempt to connect with any other human being, and my chronically pervasive discontentment. Among other things. Ugh.
The other thing that happened was my boyfriend and I broke up. Well, technically we decided to "take a break," but I don’t plan on us ever getting back together. At first I was kind of bummed. That I had ruined yet another relationship. That I was going to be alone. But the more I thought about it the more I realized that it was something to celebrate. Because even though it’s always sad breaking up with someone, being free and independent again is exactly what I need right now. And not to sound heartless, but I am so fucking glad we aren’t a couple anymore! I feel so much better. Like I can breathe again.
And I’ve already met some new boys. Yummy…
As far as my diet goes, I think I've been doing a pretty good job. I’ve had a few slips with binging but the food diary has been helping with that a lot. It really keeps me accountable. To reality. To the universe. To myself. For example, if I nibble on food all day, I force myself to write down every little thing I eat. Because at the end of the day, looking at that huge long list (even though everything is in small amounts) makes me want to crawl into a huge hole and die. And then I think twice the next time I find myself thinking “Oh, I’ll just have a tiny bit.”
It also makes me think twice before I binge because forcing myself to write out all the food I’ve eaten afterward is like torture. Seriously. And not only that, but physically seeing it on paper makes it impossible for me to lie to myself that I didn’t really eat that much. I can’t rationalize it or deny it or pretend that I never did it. There it is in black and white. And then I think twice the next time I find myself reaching for the cupboard.
I've also been trying hard not to be so hard on myself. Because that's when I just give up. And I don't want to do that. I set impossibly high expectations for myself and then when I don't reach them, I beat myself up. I truly believe that if I can just keep getting up and trying again - over and over no matter how many times it takes - eventually I will get it right.
So I tell myself that it's not about being perfect - it's about making progress. I tell myself that screwing up is okay, as long as you keep doing your best and putting one foot in front of the other. I've been telling myself that all week, trying to have a better, more positive attitude. I wonder how many times I'll have to say it before I really believe it.
I’m still drinking every night. It helps distract me from my sugar cravings. It helps me sleep. It helps me feel peaceful and happy and hopeful. It's the one part of my day I actually enjoy. But part of me wonders if I’m headed down a dangerous road again. Should I be drinking this much? This often? Because I definitly do not want to go back to where I was a year or two ago.
I mean, I’m just now finally starting to "get my life back on track." I have an apartment. I have a job. I don't have a bunch of stupid, drama-inducing, chaos-attracting friends anymore. I don't do a bunch of drugs anymore. I don't act completely insane all the time anymore. I mean, I know that drinking can affect my meds and set off my mental problems, but drinking the way I am now without all the other shit that got me in trouble... can that really be such a bad thing?
I think I just have to learn how to drink properly and in moderation. How to have a healthy mindset about it. How to drink like a responsible adult instead of a stupid kid. The thing is, when I started drinking again I told myself I would only do it once a month. Then it became once every two weeks then once every week. Then only on weekends, then only at night. It progressed a little too quickly into drinking every night again.
But the thing is, nothing bad has happened. Because I don’t drive anymore, I didn’t go anywhere and I didn’t invite anyone over because I don’t really have any friends. So maybe drinking never really was the problem. Maybe it was all that other shit. And I’m glad all that other shit is gone. Because to be honest, I don’t miss it. Not like I missed drinking.